Season 1, Episode 8: "Rasta Blasta"

And so a new chapter begins. Here we go, folks.

Rock's voiceover reminds us again of his jump from a faceless, corporate drone in Tokyo to a pirate mercenary in the South China Sea. I'm guessing Rock still can't believe this is his life now, which only serves to prove that anything can happen to just about anybody. I'd say it's been about a month or two since Rock joined Black Lagoon, so I have to wonder: what happened to his life back in Tokyo?

Now, we know that all of Rock's friends and family back home believe Rock to be dead. Does he ever miss them? I'm sure he does, but he can't just return home. He's "dead." His parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins must still be grieving. That's actually pretty selfish on Rock's part. And what about his apartment, if he had one? Did his roommate clean out his bedroom? Did someone else move in? If he lived alone, all the food in his refrigerator must be rotten by now. His landlord is probably pounding on his door at this very moment.

I wonder if he paid off is student loans. Do students in Japan even have to pay back loans? I don't know how the educational system works in Japan and I don't feel like Googling it. Anyway, moving on:

After all the crates have been accounted for (Rock is in charge of checking inventory for this one obscure mission delivering weapons), Rock feebly asks for someone to sign. He may be more assertive than he was in episode 1, but he still has a long way to go.

Dutch is expecting some cargo of his own to be delivered to Black Lagoon, and with Rock and his "white collar" look, he's the perfect guy to receive it. But the thing about this particular shipment is that it's not exactly, well, typical:

Everyone, meet Garcia Lovelace. Once Black Lagoon docks, Garcia is going to be handed over to a buyer designated by the Colombian Mafia. So now we're auctioning off children, eh? The morals of the Mafia are like limits in calculus. In this case, the limit never approaches anything. Therefore, it does not exist.

Revy is asked to bring Garcia into the cabin for holding, and drags him by the shirt and throws him into the cabin. Not surprising in the least. Garcia puts up a fight, though. I'm surprised Revy doesn't put a bullet in his pinky toe or something--that ought to stop him from squirming. Can you believe this kid is 12, though? Is he a midget, because that's an awfully small junior high schooler.

May I also point out the not Heineken beer that Rock is definitely not trying to advertise?

But if I'm screenshotting this and making a critique of it, am I also advertising Heineken beer? Or rather, HeireKen beer?

Revy's maternal instincts kick in when Garcia launches a bowl of soup at her face, so like any good mother would do, Revy whips out her guns, ammo, and readies her boots to launch right up his troublemaking ass.

Rock goes in to wrangle the rugrat since Revy's unfit to babysit until they dock. Whose idea was it to let Revy babysit? Oh yeah, I blame you for this, Dutchie boy.

So, Rock manages to calm Garcia down long enough to get to his level, and Garcia realizes that Rock isn't like the "mean tattooed lady" or the "big black guy" so he has an easier time talking to him. Garcia knows he's going to be sold off, but isn't worried, because his father, the head of one of the great thirteen families of South America, won't be happy when he hears what happened to his son. The way he says it, though... it's so uppity and snooty, like Draco Malfoy.

"Wait until my father hears about this."

Rock thinks that Garcia being a rich kid from royalty is just a BS story in an attempt to keep himself alive, but it's actually true. Kudos to Garcia for using the worst of the great families. Worst of the best--how's that for self esteem? At least it sounds more believable--and perhaps that's why Garcia was chosen to be sold off. I wonder how quickly reinforcements would come if the cartel tried to kidnap the kid from the greatest of the thirteen families of South America. It would be the equivalent of trying to ambush Sasha and Malia Obama.

Rock is still skeptical of Garcia's history, but Garcia insists he's telling the truth. He tells Rock that the Mafia came and kidnapped him when his father wouldn't sell his land, which was covered in rare Earth (lanthanide).

Oh, and more subliminal advertising. Rock whips out his pack of "Natural American Sprite" and holds it out just long enough for the viewers to read the label. Damn, what a slick way to advertise cigarettes. I wonder if the not-so-subtle brand name is blurred out when aired on TV, because of all the things the FCC lets slip by, I cannot imagine them giving this a pass.

Rock quizzes Garcia just to test him and make sure he's telling the truth, and everything checks out. It's an unnecessary scene, because what does Rock care if Garcia is telling the truth or not? I guarantee even if Garcia was lying, Rock wouldn't let the kid be sold without a fight.

Rock tells Dutch that the cartel lied to them about Garcia being an orphan, and now he feels like shit. Dutch agrees. Revy says to stop thinking about the fate of Garcia since it'll make him feel even shittier. Whether Garcia ends up back home safe, gets sold to a buyer, or even gets casted as Tom Felton's stunt double, Revy don't give a hoot or holler.

"If I don't get my mon-eh, everyone's gonna die."

But the one thing that's really puzzling is why the cartel didn't demand a ransom for Garcia--why they kept that a secret will be revealed very soon.

Dutch calls Balalaika to dig up background info on the Lovelace clan and the cartel. Balalaika says she'll let him know when they reach Yellowflag. Dutch suspects that, since Garcia was telling the truth, they might have another big military team to battle. Rock says that while they may have had money, they can't afford a big ass military, only a single staff member: a housemaid. Revy laughs at the thought of the dowdy housemaid coming to Garcia's rescue.

She looks innocent enough. Let me guess... she can cook, clean, and commit mass murder.

This is Roberta--a "robot from the future," asking people around Roanapur if they can direct her to her fellow countrymen in a voice more monotone and devoid of emotion than Daria Morgendorffer's.

Revy continues pushing Garcia around like a schoolyard bully, which is really uncomfortable considering Garcia is around ten and Revy is about twenty. Seriously, how fucked up do you have to be to pick on someone half your age? I bet Revy steals candy from babies.

Roberta goes to Yellowflag and asks the bartender where she can find her fellow Colombians, but the asshole bartender doesn't give a shit about her quest to find Garcia. He basically tells her to order a drink and shut up or GTFO.

Garcia tells Revy that Roberta may be a maid in the traditional sense, but she can't cook or clean very well, and she's clumsy, but she's damn strong, stronger and more powerful than Revy could ever hope to be. In the context of cinema, we're about to get the surprise of our lives. Revy is in tears from laughing so hard. Like anyone could ever beat out Revy "Two-Hands"! In between her psychotic fits of hysteric cackling, Revy says if everything Garcia says is true, she'll believe any damn thing he says.

We get a flashback of when Roberta and Garcia used to play together in Garcia's house in the garden. Look at the adorable, fluffy puppers. I love Samoyeds.

Garcia reminisces about when he and Roberta would arm wrestle, and how he always beat Roberta, until one time when the cops were coming to threaten Garcia's father--Roberta somehow knew of their arrival, and her arm became stiff as steel. That's when Garcia knew that Roberta was faking her (lack of) strength the whole time.

Meanwhile, at the bar, Roberta's fellow countrymen have arrived, though I'm 100% certain the dozen men in shiny shoes and finely-shaved facial hair are not the countrymen she's looking for.

Balalaika speaks with her second-in-command, Boris, about Roberta, and about how she has "the eyes of a soldier," as per her picture with Garcia and his father, Diego:

Like Dutch, we know that she has at least one eye.

The Colombians silence the bar to a dead silence. They scream out to Roberta, asking what the hell she wants from them, and then it begins.

Right as Black Lagoon arrives at the bar, Roberta turns around, introduces herself very kindly, and then unleashes what I can only describe as an atomic bomb from her umbrella:

OVERALL:

Story - As the beginning of the Garcia/Roberta storyline, there are a lot of questions left unanswered and holes that need to be filled. Roberta being this secret killer in disguise as a maid is quite an interesting twist on the classic trope, "It's always the quiet ones..." Though I must say, this episode is trying a little too hard to leave everything on a cliffhanger.

4 / 5

Character Depth - Roberta. Housemaid by day, secret bloodhound killer...maybe not by night, but that part of her is definitely there. Like I mentioned, it's not exactly original for a feeble-looking character to be so strong (much like it's not so original for someone as tough as Revy to have a weak side). But Roberta has that certain edge to her that makes her stand out.

4.5 / 5

Badassery - Roberta. 100% Roberta. Need I explain any more than, "It's always the quiet ones..."?

5 / 5


Best Insult: (Revy, in reference to Garcia): "He doesn't deserve something as nice as a cabin! We should be chaining him up and throwing him in the hold! Little shit."

Out-of-Context: "I hear some crazy bitch dressed up like a maid is asking all over town where she can find the Colombian Mafia wearing this crazy outfit you'd only see in a movie."