Season 1, Episode 3: "Ring-Ding Ship Chase"

A quick recap: Black Lagoon has successfully killed a member of Extra Order, thanks to Rock's ingenious plan to launch their ship into the air GTA-style and fire torpedoes at them. So, Rock is invited to become part of the team. His first official mission comes almost immediately when the team ambushes a ship (St. Joan) that decides to keep riding Black Lagoon's ass instead of going around them.

But maybe I have this wrong. It's never explicitly stated or shown, but what if the ship has tried to move out of the way, but Black Lagoon kept looming in front of it? A logical explanation, but there's no indication that this is the case. We get no scene of the captain of St. Joan trying to go around the Black Lagoon ship, so we have to assume that they're just lazy and stupid.

So, let's go over what happens next so we can wrap up our first story arc:


Here's an excellent example of irony: a blind Buddhist statue rests before the crime-choked, whored-out city of Roanapur. Then again, the statue is decaying. What is it made out of for it to be eroding already? Or is it not being maintained because everyone stopped giving a shit about ending human suffering through sacrifice?

Seems like the only sacrifice Roanapurians make is whether or not to kill their youngest child so everyone gets enough to eat for dinner.

I'm glad the animators didn't go the cartoony route and make Roanapur look like a post-apocalyptic ghost town with an "evil" red sky to match. From a distance, Roanapur seems quite beautiful as a seaside city. But it's only when you're actually walking the streets you see it for the Hell it is. Kind of like the east side of Detroit.

Rock begins his descent into the life of a pirate by getting a shave from this guy who looks like he knows how to slice a bitch up seven ways to Sunday, but wouldn't know he has to hold the knife with the sharp end sticking out:

Also, there's this annoying crow-parrot thing that keeps screaming, "I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you!" over and over, establishing that this is, indeed, a dangerous shithole of a city. We get it; no need to overdo the exposition. Some boarded up businesses, dirty streets, and shady guys hanging around in clusters would have sufficed to set the mood.

As Rock heads upstairs with a bag full of obscure fruits, Dutch heads down to go out--to where, it's not mentioned. He grabs a fruit, bites into it, and spits it out. Rock heads into the building where Revy is chilling. She takes a bite of one of Rock's mystery fruits too, and also spits it out. What are those things, anyway?

Revy explains that this town is absolutely repulsive and that Rock is probably going to die--as if we didn't already know. Most of this scene is just Rock and Revy shooting the breeze. Rock worries that he's still too "soft," which is a catalyst-slash-foreshadowing for Rock's imminent transformation in future episodes.

We cut back to Dutch, who is on the phone in secret. He orders "120,000 to the Main Flyers' Company" and that's about all the information we get. Damn, he's mysterious. He's the only character where we have absolutely no background information on. Anyway, a car pulls up next to Dutch, and we're introduced to Chen, a member of a small potatoes gang--a gangling, if you will--and inquires about how Black Lagoon is doing.

So, Chen starts talking shit about Balalaika and how Hotel Moscow has been stealing all of his business. Jealous, much? He honestly should be careful about who he slanders--remember how Balalaika got that "innocent" Chinese merchant looking like a trypophobic's nightmare with all the bullets through him?

Chen suggests that Dutch ought to cut ties with Balalaika before he get his ass kicked, which is an obvious foreshadowing of his own future. Dutch can't do that--this is the Russian Mafia he's dealing with. And they have, well, BOMBS. Vodka and bear-infused bombs with a side of whatever cruel shit Balalaika can come up with. Dutch is mostly complying with her for his and Black Lagoon's safety. I'd probably do the same. I wonder if Dutch is under the witness protection program; it would explain why he's so secretive.

Dutch is in no position to listen to anything Chen says because one time he left Dutch and the crew to die, so Dutch basically flips him the bird and walks off.

He encounters a group of seemingly-underaged hookers (they honestly don't look any older than 15) who flirtatiously ask him if he wants any "beer," to which Dutch replies that he was the one who shipped the alcohol to them.

Benny pulls up with a box of computer junk to fix up the boat. Look how happy he is with his scrap metal! Forget iPhones and tablets--for Benny, this is his eight days of Hanukkah. Because Jewish.

Revy violently kicks Rock awake to let him know they got a new job. Rock takes his sweet-ass time getting ready and then jumps into Benny's car with the rest of the mercenaries.

So, Dutch gives everyone the sitch: Donnie Yen, Black Lagoon's newest employer, has assigned them another job. Black Lagoon must pick up a package from the Vietnamese military. That's all the information we're given, because it's apparently much more fun to watch Rock and Revy argue like schoolyard children over that damn Hawaiian shirt. Considering that Revy is this upset about Rock refusing to wear such a hideous garment, I'm guessing this is the first time she's ever bought anybody anything... other than ammo for herself, probably.

Still, it's hilarious watching these two fight.

But the lack of information on the Vietmanese package doesn't even matter because in the very next scene, Chen is on the phone with one of his informants boasting about how he totally pulled the wool over Black Lagoon's eyes. Yeah, he basically sent them to chase after a fake package so he can get them killed. What a scumbag; no wonder Dutch doesn't like him.

While on the boat, Rock learns some neat-o Boy Scout knots.

Keep trying on that Sailor's Knot. 

Rock gets discouraged about the prospect of never being qualified as a Patrol Leader since he apparently can't even tie a knot for his own shoes. Revy grabs the rope and ties the knot for him, and this little charade leads to Rock talking about his mundane work life, and how his biggest problem was sucking up to Kageyama. Revy cannot believe how much shit Rock "chose" to put up with. which prompts her memory of her past, which is almost as mysterious as Dutch's right now.

And for the first time, a human moment from the great Revy "Two-Hands:"

"It ain't no sick joke." - Revy

Benny picks up six mysterious boats coming up Black Lagoon's ass like nobody's business. It's Chen... laughing his tiny dick off at Black Lagoon falling into his trap.

(On a sidenote: Why wouldn't Dutch, Rock, Benny, or Revy question why they have to travel miles out into the sea to retrieve a package?)

Black Lagoon notices the six boats haulin' ass out there, so everyone's going, "What the fuck are they doing?" In one of the boats is Luak, one of Dutch's few enemies, taunting Black Lagoon for some reason. Don't they know that Revy could pop their heads off with one blast? Though Luak and his buddies probably feel mighty safe in their little bulletproof speed boats, which could be why they're tempting getting so close in the first place.

After a bit more taunting, Dutch yanks back on the throttle so that the two boats on either side unleash a holy Hell of a hailstorm of bullets on each other. Black Lagoon is safe, and now it's four against one.

And by one, I mean Revy.

By the way, I agree, Rock. How does she jump like that?!

Revy successfully takes out all the boats, much to Luak's dismay. Like I said--did he really think he'd stand a chance against someone with the nickname, "Two-Hands?"

In Rock's voiceover, Rock is in complete shock and awe at Revy's inhuman skill to take out four boats full of pirates single-handedly, and that he must be as fucked up as her to watch her with nothing short of pure admiration for what she's done. If Rock were still at Asahi Industries, he would have been under his desk in fetal position in a piss-soaked suit. Now? Watching her enjoy her work is a privilege.

Meanwhile, as Chen is packing up his apartment to flee, he explodes in a rage about Luak's incompetency to kill Black Lagoon. Why didn't you pick up a rocket launcher and blow their guts out yourself then, you flaky bastard? There's a knock at the door. It's Balalaika and her men. And she is not happy.

Perhaps she thought a kick to the balls was too nice.

She tells Chen that he shouldn't waste his time trying to explain why he tried to get her favorite pirate crew killed. She and her men tie Chen to a chair and place a leaking gasoline tank attached to a bomb a few feet away, and then she goes outside to call Dutch to let him hear her setting off the bomb.

Balalaika says she'll arrange a new job for Black Lagoon soon, and then hangs up.

And thus, Dutch proposes a celebration of a job well done by taking the crew out for a night out to the bar. And still, Revy continues to give Rock flack for not wearing the Hawaiian shirt she got for him. Man, they're never going to let this thing go, are they? Rock, just wear the damn shirt and drink your Bacardi.

OVERALL:

Story - It's a little muddled why Chen wanted Black Lagoon killed. We know it's because he's jealous that Balalaika likes them better, but his motivation could have been a little stronger. Him just deciding he wants to kill them makes him look like a psycho. Oh well; at least he was only here for one episode.

4.5  / 5

Character Depth - Twice we're fooled into thinking we're going to be getting some backstory on either Revy or Dutch, but we're still left like an ass chasing a carrot dangling from a fishing pole. However, this is redeemed through Rock's narration about his fascination with Revy as a real-life Terminator.

4.5 / 5

Badassery - This one goes to Balalaika. All she has to do is give you that look (the one she gave right before kicking Chen in the face) to let you know that you're fucked.

5 / 5

Best Insult: (Chen, yelling to himself about Luak) "That idiot! What kind of mother raises such a useless piece of shit?!" 

Out-of-context: "What the hell is this? Tastes like it came out of your ass."
                            "He puts my balls in a vice and then--oh! how convenient--he goes and dies!"