Season 1, Episode 1: "The Black Lagoon"

You know, for someone like me to review a violent, adult anime like Black Lagoon is akin to a stocky, old, conservative Christian woman rocking out to Metallica on volume level 99. And that's saying a lot, considering my two other review blogs are from Nickelodeon's As Told by Ginger and Hey Arnold!. This is the darkest, most violent series I have ever seen. I cry when I see fluffy kittens being adorable. I have zero pain tolerance. I have to repeat myself ten times because I just can't seem to speak loud enough no matter what.

But you know what? I still think Black Lagoon is awesome.

The action sequences are exhilarating. The characters are well-developed and deep. And even though this isn't exactly a "nostalgic" series considering it only ended five years ago, I figure reviewing it now wouldn't make it any stranger than reviewing it 20 years from now. So why wait? And why wait for someone else to write it when I can do it myself and gain precious writing experience? If you're going to waste time, at least waste it doing something productive.

Keep in mind that I've never read the manga, just seen the anime, so everything here is based solely off the TV series.

Welcome to episode 1.



We begin with narration from Rokuro Okajima, our protagonist, who has basically been going through the motions of post-college life with a briefcase, a fat resume, and a big, fake smile to mask his hatred of the corporate world at Asahi Industries in Tokyo. Hey, that's something most people don't realize until they're at least 30. I give him credit for acknowledging this already.

Keep in mind that Rokuro wishes he could have the CEO lifestyle at the top of the tower--all that power and control--you'll see why as the series continues.

In the next scene, our main guy finds himself on a ship in the China seas (along with several other captured men), knocked to the floor by the beefy Lagoon Company mercenary, Dutch. He holds a gun to his face and confirms that the disc Rokuro received from work is, in fact, the same disc The Lagoon Company has been looking for. Damn, did that really warrant a bloody nose to the poor guy? Ah, who am I kidding? These are modern-day pirates.

Mythbusters proved that holding your gun sideways like a gangsta is ineffective.

Revy, who is also holding her gun to Rokuro's face, suggests that she and Dutch bust his kneecaps, but Dutch is like, "Nah, he ain't worth it." Thank goodness for the man holding a loaded weapon to Rokuro's face to be the one to spare his life!

Dutch then gets a radio call from Benny, the team's computer hacker, who warns him that the fuzz is headed for their ship, so Dutch turns to the other captured men, who have their hands over their necks, and warns them to cooperate, otherwise their ship will be blown to smithereens. As long as they obey, then they'll be free to go. But wait, if Dutch and Revy were after the disc, which was in Rokuro's possession, what's with all the other guys? I figure they all must have been shaken down to find the disc.

Rokuro is relieved that he's going to get away, except, no. He actually isn't. Revy wants to hold onto him a bit longer.

Dutch calls up Balalaika, the leader of the Russian mafia, Hotel Moscow, and tells her he's got the goods. Balalaika is impressed, and proposes a trade-off. She contacts Tokyo, and soon Kageyama, head of Asahi Industries, calls a meeting together about Balalaika's negotiation for the safe return of their disc. It's straight-up blackmail. But there's still one question lingering: what's on the disc that she wants so badly, and why would it lead to the biggest scandal in Asahi Industries history?

Do these look like the faces that do well with blackmail?

Luckily, Kageyama gets word from a Chinese merchant in Jakarta that the disc is still with the Black Lagoon gang, so they don't have to believe a damn word Balalaika says. I say the best thing to do here is humor her, you know. If she calls back, pretend to surrender--hell, get down on your knees for dramatic effect and beg. Okay, that might be too pathetic. But Asahi Industries does have the upper hand, here. So now they're going to go try to get the disc back. Ahem, let's just hope Moscow isn't experiencing winter right now. You all know the story with Napoleon.

So, how are they going to do it? Everyone decides to leave the plan up to Kageyama. That's code for, "We have no idea. You go freeze your ass of in Russia, boss."

Back at the Black Lagoon ship, Dutch asks what the fuck is wrong with Revy taking Rokuro in with them, to which Revy responds that they're not being paid enough for this operation where they don't even know what's going on, so holding Rokuro for ransom is a solid way to weasel more money out of his company. Damn, Revy, you greedy bitch. And Benny must have balls the size of Texas to call her out on it.

"You wanna die, Benny?" - Revy
(Nonchalantly) "Not really." - Benny

Dutch brings Revy back to reality by reminding her that they're not going to be able to negotiate with Japan (mostly because they wouldn't even know how to contact Asahi Industries in the first place) and Revy goes, "Fuck it, then!" quite violently, I might add. May I suggest Revy pop over to her pharmacy to refill her Ritalin prescription? I've never seen someone get so pissed for not being able to extort money from what looks like a highfalutin company. That's like me kicking and screaming because I kidnapped a worker from Google and can't ask for ransom money for his safe return.

So then, Revy tries to kill Rokuro with her famous gun, but somehow misses every damn shot. Either she's gone completely out-of-character before her character is even established, or she's just shooting out of rage. Either way, Dutch has to literally hold her back before she really kills someone.

Why is Revy even part of this mercenary? She seems way too mentally unstable to carry a gun on her.

"Because she's the best damn shot I've ever seen."

Meanwhile, Rokuro has guaranteed himself at least ten years of therapy from less than an hour with these people. Oh, and a change of pants would be nice, too.

Dutch plays the voice of reason by taking Rokuro out on the deck for a smoke break. That calms him down a bit, but only so because now Dutch has to call up Asahi Industries and figure out a way to trade Rokuro back. Though it's not high on his priority list because getting the disc to Balalaika is more important. Seriously, what's so important about this thing?! Does it have step-by-step instructions on how to print your own money or something?

So, we're kind of forced to feel sorry for the Black Lagoon mercenaries because being pirates is basically the only way they can scrape by. You know, it's really interesting how for some people, contributing to the chaos in this world is their last resort for survival. I know it's probably not as simple as saying, "Why don't you go to trade school and gain skills so you can contribute good to society and make a living that way?" There's a reason for everything, and I have a feeling that for the Black Lagoon crew, the answer isn't, "Because we wanna be evil pirates! World domination! Mwa-ha-ha!" Otherwise, this show would be on the Japanese equivalent of Nickelodeon.

Meanwhile, back at Asahi Industries, Kageyama and the other employees already suspect Rokuro died in the hands of the pirates. But why do they care? Wasn't he just another corporate drone?

Once the mercenaries make it to land, Dutch gives Rokuro a new, permanent nickname: Rock. I suppose it fits better than Rokuro Okajima among a team comprised of Revy, Benny, and Dutch. Speaking of which, was Dutch's character inspired by Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Everyone goes off to get some booze in them, and they invite Rock along. I guess this means he's not a hostage anymore. Anyway, welcome to Roanapur! Capital of cocaine, Coronas, and--is that Sleeping Beauty as a prostitute on the right? What the hell?! I know Disney got their stories from dark sources, but damn!

I suppose that's where she got her name from. Hopefully Prince Phillip realizes how many dicks have slipped inside her while she was "sleeping." Poor girl.

Dutch gives Rock a bit of history about the bar the mercenaries frequent, and naturally, a fight breaks out. Totally normal, considering the scum of the Earth swarm the place like fruit flies. Rock starts to bond with Benny a bit as he learns more about Dutch and his "eccentricities," which I suppose is better than Rock not getting along with his captors at all.

Rock then asks how Benny ended up working for the Black Lagoon company. Apparently, he managed to piss off the mafia and the FBI at the same time. I guarantee you it had something to do with hacking the computers at unreasonable hours in his college computer lab. And for some reason, Revy reveals she was the one who saved him from 50+ years in federal prison. How? It's not explained. Just a deus ex machina to avoid explaining how Benny was able to get away with such a thing. No, really, that's something I really must know more about. If you piss off the FBI, the witness protection program is your best friend. If you piss off the mafia, your ass is grass.

Revy gets a little loose, and by that, I mean she challenges Rock to a rum-off. I suppose she just wants to see how big his balls are without pulling his pants off. At first, you'd think wimpy ole Rock was going to walk away, but due to his forced experience with alcohol in the past, Revy is in complete deer-and-headlights shock to find out just how much he can drink. So, they calmly turn to the bartender and...

"BRING US ALL THE BACARDI YOU GOT RIGHT NOW!" - Rock and Revy

As Rock and Revy compete like college frat freshmen, Dutch overhears some bad news from Balalaika--she's onto Asahi Industries and their plan to lead her on, so she stayed one step ahead of them by setting some "bait," which happened to be the Chinese merchant who sent out the report to Asahi Industries earlier. Balalaika commands the merchant to yell out to her and Dutch what Asahi Industries's plan is to get the disc back by sending Extra Order mercenaries to Roanapur.

And then Balalaika calmly has the merchant killed, execution-style. It's scary how she doesn't flinch when her minions (what else should they be called?) pop bullets into this poor guy like they're poking holes through tissue. It just goes to show how much power she has.

As Rock and Revy continue doing irreversible damage to their livers, the bar suddenly explodes into a cloud of black smoke as--you guessed it--Extra Order absolutely annihilates the bar in an attempt to wipe out the Black Lagoon crew. The bullets and grenades somehow completely miss them, mostly because the bar has been destroyed so many times that the owner has made it bullet-proof. So why the hell does he keep letting the Black Lagoon crew back in?! Eventually no one is going to want to come to the bar that's constantly being shot up all the time.

"Revy, I think now's a good time to show 'em why you're called Two-Hands." - Dutch

Once the bar becomes quiet suddenly (except for the sound of the crew's voices), the Extra Order mercenaries step forward, realizing Black Lagoon is still alive, and that's when Revy goes apeshit on their asses.

Seeing as Black Lagoon has their hands tied at the moment, Dutch feels that it's only appropriate that he lets Rock go now. Rock's like, "You can't just leave me here! I'll be massacred! Take me with you!" So then Dutch is like, "Fine, whatever. Just don't slow us down."

Benny brings a car around and tells everyone to get in, and they get away without so much as a hair out of place. What the hell--are these people or robots?! Meanwhile, Rock still cannot let it sink in that he basically clung to a pirate mercenary that shuffles in and out of bloody warfare on a daily basis, just so he won't die himself. What was it, ten years of therapy I said earlier? Let's go for fifteen. Minimum.

The leader of the Extra Order mercenaries isn't even mad that they couldn't kill Black Lagoon--he seemed awfully happy that he was able to hold down a fight for so long.

As Black Lagoon heads for Russia to meet up with Balalaika, Benny attempts to get in touch with Asahi Industries to let them know that Rock is alive (and not well). Benny's using dial-up. This is the early 1990s. How well do you think this is going to work?

However, if the negotiation doesn't work out, the crew will have to drop Rock off in crime-ridden Malaya, basically letting him fend for himself. Rock rightfully gets pissed since the Black Lagoon mercenaries were the ones who forcibly dragged him around with them in the first place, so the "least" they could do is abandon him somewhere safe. Really, Rock? You're asking pirates--criminal, mafia Black Lagoon pirates to do something decent?! How hard did Dutch punch you in the face earlier because he's clearly knocked more than just a couple of brain cells out of you.

Benny gets a hold of Asahi Industries before Revy gets a chance to shoot Rock for treating the Black Lagoon crew like a taxi, and Rock jumps on the line. Kageyama tells Rock not to worry about the disc, since it "no longer exists." We finally get the answer to the question we've been asking all this time: What the hell is on that disc?! Schematics for nuclear weapons. Bombs. Why? To stop business from slowing to a crawl. What an ironic twist! All this time, Rock was practically working for a crime lord. You all should check the secret documents of your own employers--they too might be hiding top-secret information that could cause the end of humanity.

So now, this poses an even bigger question: For what reason would Balalaika need this information? What city is she planning on nuking? Or is this a twist on top of a twist where she's actually the hero and trying to prevent the disc from getting into the wrong hands? Ah, what am I saying? Russian Mafia. Organized crime. She wants to blow a bitch up.

Kageyama wants to make sure this nuclear information stays within the knowledge of both of them, so until he can sort this out himself, he asks Rock to fake his death by pirates, and in doing so, he will promote him to assistant manager of Asahi Industries and have everyone attend his "funeral." Wait, what? If Rock is supposed to be "dead," what's the point of promoting him? Unless this is Kageyama's way of saying, "I'll bump up your salary to keep this a secret," I cannot understand why this would make any sense.

Revy taunts Rock as he goes up on deck to puke out the shock of the news that his seemingly boring, mundane company had information on Goddamn nuclear bombs, and frankly, I'd be surprised if Rock had reacted any other way.

Benny picks up Extra Order's gunship on his scanner headed right for the Black Lagoon crew. Damn, these guys don't get a chance to breathe, do they?

Revy throws Rock a badass-looking gun, and I actually laughed when Rock freaked out and said, "A gun?! I don't want it! Don't make me hold this!" Rock is definitely my favorite type of character--shy, feeble, and inept meets loud, brash, and dangerous. His reactions to everything that's been going on, from being captured by pirates to being shot at to learning of his company's dangerous secret--I feel so bad for him.

Rock yells for Revy to shoot the gunship down, but Revy is in no mood for Rock's brilliant advice, and tells him he should be the one worrying about himself since he's hiding underneath a torpedo launcher. This is the point where Rock loses his mind--he can't take being stuck in the middle of this warzone anymore so he straps on a life jacket and tries to jump overboard. Okay, as much as I can identify with Rock, the worst thing he can do right now is abandon ship. Revy is right for attacking him for his stupidity (though Rock is most likely reacting out of sheer panic and not from lack of common sense). I wouldn't want to hold a gun, either, but given the situation, I'd use what I could to protect myself and my crew, even if it means going way out of my comfort zone. Think of it this way--if you saw a bear emerging from the woods and was headed for your family, what would you do?

Rock does make a good point, though: why does he have to suffer?

The men in the gunship have obviously been watching Rock and Revy fight like dogs in a pit, because he becomes amused at their petty fighting and decides it's more fun to watch them destroy themselves. What an idiot.

As the gunship flies away, Rock pushes Revy off of him. He gets to the point where he doesn't even seem afraid of Revy anymore, and asks to no one in particular, again, why he's the one who has to suffer. Why he's the one who has to follow the orders of others. Why he's been chosen to be dragged into this war zone when he neither asked nor wanted to be part of it in the first place. Your visceral reaction may be, "Life is unpredictable, you whiny bastard," but consider this:

Think about what's going on in Syria right now. All those people forced out of their homes, split from their families, out of their country, and being forced into a situation they never once thought they'd be in. Now, I'm not one to speak for Syrians or anyone else caught in the threshold of war, but I have to imagine what those people are going through is nothing short of traumatizing. Rock isn't pulled into an actual war, but he's pulled into a pirate mercenary that voluntarily gets themselves into deep shit all over the sea. I can't imagine him being anything else but traumatized right now.

So, while I agree he shouldn't run and hide every time he's being shot at and pray that Revy, Dutch, and Benny will get rid of the bad guys for him, I have to throw Rock sympathy for being forced into this. He just wants to return to safety, and that shouldn't be too much to ask for.


OVERALL:

Story - Though unrealistic at times (how could Rock not have known his company was capable of creating bombs?! How have the Black Lagoon mercenaries not been killed by now?!), it's a tight narrative, engaging, and leaves a nice cliffhanger at the end. 4 / 5

Character Depth - Rock is the main focus here, and his fears, uncertainty, and sudden change in state of mind are definitely warranted considering his situation. 5 / 5

Badassery - For a pilot episode, the chase sequences and gunshots were an excellent way to outline the rest of the series. Although I'm not usually a fan of being thrown so much information from the get-go, it fits the theme of Rock being thrown into the Black Lagoon world as much as we are. This show has balls. 5 / 5

And just for fun...

Revy's Best Insult - (to Rock, about to jump overboard) "You limp-dick son of a bitch!"

Best Out-of-Context Quote - "He's comin'. He's gonna bite our ass."